I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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