Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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