There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
