Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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