I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
