you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
