I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
