did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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