Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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