Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
