y did u give ur computer a hand job?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
