Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
