I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
