I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
