I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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