yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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