something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
