what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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