All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
