You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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