the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
