apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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