season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
