someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
