the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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