Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
