I want you more than these girls want KFC
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
