I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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