based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
