I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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