I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
