I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
