I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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