Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
