You just made me feel so damn special
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
