Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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