One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
