Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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