If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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