I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
