I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
