I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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