well I can't set my house on fire every night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
