I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
