I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
