Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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