I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
