I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
