my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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