I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
